Are you looking for traditional flavors with a Japanese flare, a stunning lounge with a live DJ, bowling lanes, exotic hookah, a nightclub, and bottomless J. Harden Wine prosecco all in one convenient, classy one-stop shop? Well look no further than Thirteen Houston, James Harden’s new restaurant venture.

As the only wine critic bold enough to review/ingest the J. Harden cab sav, there is nothing I want more than to sit down to a tasting menu of the Beard’s Far East-inspired delicacies.

I mean, just look at this description from the website:

“Thirteen Houston cleverly blends traditional flavors with a Japanese flare, elevated dining, and a great time into one. From our state-of-the-art restaurant and patio, to our stunning lounge with a live DJ, exotic hookah, and innovative libations, Thirteen is sure to please. We also offer a one-of-a-kind Night Club better known as ‘The Basement’ with spacious sections and a private area with a two-lane bowling alley and private bar. We’ve taken the concept of elevated dining and made it our own; #TheThirteenExperience.”

Unnecessary semicolon aside, the thing I love to do when looking at celebrity-endorsed restaurants is guess which dishes the namesake demands. In this case, it’s definitely the Thirteen wings, which actually come in an order of six, smothered in jerk sauce, jerk seasoning and pineapple pico. (There are zero other Caribbean flavors on the menu but I digress.) The other is the Millionaire’s Sando: Braised beef, Hudson Valley seared foie gras, shokupam, truffle mayo, caviar, and shaved black truffles.

The wings stood out like a zebra in a corral full of hot apps. Dumplings, dumplings, bao buns, wings? Oh, I know this one. I’ve played “Which one isn’t like the other” before.

The Millionaire’s Sando was only slightly more difficult. It’s one of those dishes that upscale restaurant owners toss on the menu for the sake of excess. Think the Michael Scott loaded pretzel of fine-dining experiences. I’m honestly kind of shocked lobster wasn’t shoehorned in there.

As much as I’d like to opine on the atmosphere, I can’t because I don’t know how close the live DJ and exotic hookah are to the dining area. Nothing says class like a nice salmon tiradito accompanied by flavored hookah smoke and house music. I guess G/O Media will just have to send me down to Houston for the full #ThirteenExperience.

The original night-night celebration

Former UFC heavyweight champ Francis Ngannou decided to test his luck against Anthony Joshua in the squared circle after giving Tyson Fury all he could handle in his boxing debut. The result this time around was considerably less impressive for Francis.

Wee! If only every wannabe boxer could get exposed like this against a trained professional.