Woman
(SINGING) On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 12 drummers drumming, 11 pipers piping, 10 lords a leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids a milking, seven swans a swimming, six geese a laying, five golden rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree.
Ira Glass
I have always hated that song.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
I have always hated that song. I feel like that song is symbolic of everything that is bad about Christmas. I should say I have no bad feelings about Christmas. I am a noncombatant when it comes to Christmas.
I was onstage talking about this song because we had this idea that we thought might make a really fun thing to try for Christmas. And that is we organized a night of improv comedy. And I know maybe you're saying, OK, how does that go together? Why improv comedy and Christmas?
OK, well, this is going to take a little explaining. Stay with me. This British writer and performer named Daniel Kitson-- I saw him say this thing about Christmas that seems so true. He says that when you're a kid and you wake up Christmas morning, what makes Christmas feel so magical is this feeling of, like, "Oh, my god. It's going to be amazing. The world is so full of possibility. Anything can happen." The fact that Santa Claus even exists, this literally magical being who came to your home.
And Kitson says this thrilled feeling that anything can happen, that is the thing that is so hard to hold onto once we become adults. And in fact, he says that so many adults at Christmas, they try to recreate the same Christmas year after year with the same everything over and over and over. It's like they lock in. Christmas becomes the opposite of "anything can happen." That is why it never feels as magical to adults. But it is possible to get back to that feeling.
And, OK, back to the plan for today's show. One place that adults embrace that feeling that anything could happen and it's going to happen and then they make it happen is improv comedy, where, you know, they walk on stage with no idea what anybody is going to say. And then one person tries something. They say something. And then somebody else pitches in with a line of their own, and then somebody else pitches in. And before you know it, they've made like a whole scene, a whole world, really.
And so with that in mind, we got these incredible improv comedians, and we got a club to perform in, and we did a show. And we did the show in this particular style of improv, where the people on stage, they tell true stories about their lives. And then those stories, those true stories, become the basis of the improv scenes that they then invent. And those scenes lead them to other true stories that then lead them into other improv scenes and so on and so on and so on.
And I was there. I kicked things off with a story about that song, about the song "The 12 Days of Christmas," which is a song that I noticed, even though-- just to say it again-- Christmas is not my day.
Ira Glass
I am not somebody who celebrates Christmas at all. I'm a Jew. And I'm not that kind of Jew whose parents celebrated Christmas on Hanukkah. We were pure Hanukkah people, and we look down on the Christmas Hanukkah Jews.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
And in fact, I grew up in a suburb of Baltimore that was so Jewish, I didn't understand that we were in the minority. And so Christmas, I do nothing. It means nothing to me. The day means nothing. And most years, I go to Vegas on Christmas.
But I do really love Christmas music. I've always loved Christmas music. And at some point in my 20s, I started to make a collection of Christmas CDs and records. And the worst song of all is the song "The 12 Days of Christmas." And whenever it comes on, I just think, like, why is this still in circulation? First of all, the words refer to a wife and a world that none of us can relate to or care about. "12 lords a leaping," like, what is-- what experience is that even referring to? And then swans are swimming, geese are laying. So are we in a warm climate, a cold climate? It just raises so many questions.
But also the form of the song is so intensely boring. And you guys know what I'm talking about, where you do the first one, and then you go back and you do all the ones before it, which you already did. You know I mean? So you do two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree. Then three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree. Then four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree. Five golden rings, four calling birds. And so like-- and so you know what's going to happen. It's repetitious in the most boring way, and then it's always sung very slowly, which is annoying.
And I don't know why it survived hundred of years to still be around. And my only thought is "five golden rings." "Five golden rings" is the hook of the song. And you've sung the song, right? When you get to five golden rings, everybody breathes a sigh of relief. It's like, (SINGING) five golden rings. And you just feel like, yeah!
You know what I mean? It's like the drum solo. That's the hook of the song. And without five golden rings, this song would be nothing.
Okay, so at this point-- this is me back in the studio talking-- at this point, if I could just describe the stage. Sitting on stools in a row, there are six improv comedians. And we got some of the best people around for this kind of thing. Seriously, we felt so lucky they agreed to be in the show. Aidy Bryant and Sasheer Zamata, they're both on Saturday Night Live. Scott Adsit, he was on 30 Rock, and before that, he was in Second City. So was Tammy Sagher. Chris Gethard and Mike Birbiglia, they've both been on our radio program before, Mike many, many times. They both have deep improv backgrounds.
So six of them are sitting on the stage on these stools. And they listen to that first story that I told to kick things off. And Mike was the first one to stand up and speak.
Mike Birbiglia
Wow. Well, first of all I want to disagree with Ira about that song. I think in some sense, it's sort of the "15 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" of Christmas carols. It's anthemic. It's repetitive. I think where the disconnect happens is that it's just British things.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Woman
What kind of American things would you put in there? Like a bald eagle? A bald eagle in a-- in a what, oak tree?
Mike Birbiglia
Yeah. Bald eagle in an oak tree. Yeah, we just got to de-British the whole thing. I think that's the problem.
Mike Birbiglia
Lady Haversquire.
Mike Birbiglia
We've been courting now for going on 10 months. And--
Mike Birbiglia
--I've been playing in my mind with what to get you for Christmas.
Woman
Lord Mavermunch, I am sure that whatever you will bring me on Christmas will bring me much-- what?
Lord Mavermunch
May I give it you now?
Woman
Oh! Yes, but so soon before Christmas?
Lord Mavermunch
I'm excited. I think I did well.
Lord Mavermunch
Here you are-- five golden rings.
Lord Mavermunch
But I've also brought you 23 birds.
Lord Mavermunch
23 individual birds and 50 human people.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Could you stay in a group, please?
[GROUP TALKING OVER EACH OTHER]
Man
We are the Christmas presents.
Lord Mavermunch
Do you like it?
Lady Haversquire
I-- I love it. Um, Lord Mavermunch, um, if we could just go back for a moment to the five golden rings.
Lady Haversquire
Yes. Ah, so two questions. Question number one-- what is the difference between a gold ring and a golden ring? Because one seems to imply that it merely has the color, yet none of the value.
Lord Mavermunch
Well, you've caught me there. I'm afraid to say the pear tree cost rather more than I expected.
Lady Haversquire
Lord Mavermunch?
Lord Mavermunch
Lady Haversquire?
Lady Haversquire
Do you remember when you first came courting?
Lord Mavermunch
Oh, yes. My memory is intact.
Lady Haversquire
Was it? Because I distinctly remember telling you I don't like a turtle dove. I find roses played out. And quite frankly, lords a leaping I've seen enough. And yet that's all you seem to have brought.
Lord 1
We're so good! Watch this! Hut, hut, hut!
Lord Mavermunch
Look, just--
Lady Haversquire
Do you know what they call you in the county?
Lady Haversquire
They call you Quantity over Quality.
Woman
Scene.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Ira Glass
I wonder if you guys actually have memories-- did any of you have to go caroling? Or did you sing in--
Woman
I am also super Jewish. I'm Israeli Jewish. So the level of--
Ira Glass
Oh, you totally out-Jew me.
Woman
Yeah. But I was in the Chicago Children's Choir. And it was a little kids choir. And the big thing that you do at Christmas is sing Christmas carols. So two things that I remember very well from Christmas choir was one was I got a solo that I got to do. Yeah. And I screwed up, and that was horrifying.
The other thing that just occurred to me now is-- so it was on the South Side of Chicago. So it was pretty racially diverse, meaning I usually was the minority, not just as a Jew but as a white person, in choir. And so we also did a lot of gospels, which is where I discovered that I can't clap. And it became something that I would practice at home.
Ira Glass
Could I just have clarification, just as a fact-checking matter? You would practice clapping.
Ira Glass
To what? Like what would be the sound--
Woman
Just radio. I would just turn on the radio, and I'd be like, [CLAPPING] I would just, like, try to clap on the beat. Because if you don't know how to clap and you're in a choir clapping, it's terrifying.
Man
Bernice, I was watching you sing in the chorus.
Bernice
Oh, wow. You saw me? Wow.
Man
I see everything. I'm Jesus.
Bernice
Oh, wow-- this is-- this is so cool for me. This is huge.
Jesus
Oh, listen, it's an honor to meet you.
Bernice
Oh, my god. Thank you. Thank you, Jesus.
Jesus
You know I hear that all day? But it still means a lot when you say it.
Bernice
Aw, Jesus, you're so nice.
Jesus
I got to tell you. You really should not be singing.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Bernice
[SINGING OFF-KEY] What do you mean? What do you mean by what you're saying?
Bernice
Jesus, don't say that to me!
Jesus
Bernice, I think you're answering your own question there.
Holy Spirit
You know, I'm the Holy Spirit. And I just wanted to chime in. I think Bernice has a really nice voice. I--
Jesus
Dave, I told you not to come.
Bernice
Well, maybe it's because I'm singing, like, gorgeous God songs. Maybe you want more of like a pop hit or something?
Jesus
No, what I'm saying is that you are singing from your heart, but your heart is not good enough. It really puts other people off, and it's pushing people away from me. I need people. I need more people.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Executive
We cut to a television executive's office. I got to say, we got this show, and the judges, they're too soft. And I think you're the exact kind of hard edge we need, Jesus.
Jesus
Well, I appreciate the compliment. But I would be happy to do the job, but let me also warn you that when I bring judgment, that's the end of the world.
Executive
Listen, that's the kind of ratings bonanza I've been looking for, OK?
Executive
CeeLo, Aguilera, they softball it, Adam Levine. They all feel bad. Nobody gives an honest opinion. I need somebody who's going to be harsh. I need somebody who's going to be brutal, who's going to say, "This is exactly how I see it."
Jesus
Don't talk to me about Adam Levine, man.
Executive
What do I gotta do to get you on my network? I know money means nothing to you. You're omnipotent. You know everything. You have access to everything. What do I gotta do to get you on my airwaves?
Jesus
I want you to live your life as I would live mine.
Abraham
My Jewish brothers, welcome. I call this meeting.
Jacob
You called this minion.
Jacob
There's 10 of us. I got to say there's 10 of us.
Abraham
Thank you for the correction, Jacob. I call this minion to discuss our grievances with Christmas as a holiday. I know it's not our holiday. But I know that I have some concerns.
Jacob
Brother Abraham, I think you should adjust your level of Jew-y. It's a little high.
Abraham
Oh! Here it is. It's on my anklet here. There we are.
Comedian
Well, I don't like it!
Ira Glass
Okay, this is Ira in the studio. I'm just going to stop the tape for a second just to make perfectly clear what's happening on stage right now. OK, so the first comedian in the scene, Mike Birbiglia, he had some trouble with his Jewish accent, as you heard, and he was teased about it. And then another comedian, Aidy Bryant, entered the scene. And she has so much trouble coming up with a Jewish accent that at some point, that just becomes what the scene is about, is her discomfort at this awful accent, and the other performers kind of egging her on and also ribbing her about it very affectionately. OK, back to the scene.
Aidy Bryant
Well, I don't like it! I don't like the holiday one bit.
Abraham
I want to welcome our brother from the Italian branch of Judaism.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Aidy Bryant
Hey, what's the big deal?
Abraham
Thank you, Antonio, for bringing the 24 pizzas. We hope everything's going well at the temple out in Bay Ridge.
Aidy Bryant
It truly is. Please continue. I'll stay quiet, I promise, for the rest of the meeting.
Jacob
Antonio, you guys have been getting sweat everywhere.
Aidy Bryant
Eh, my favorite thing about being Jewish is, of course, the sweet lasagna! And I want everyone to know that I'm trying my absolute hardest. I feel we must move on.
Man
Scene.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Aidy Bryant
I'm sorry. I'm sorry to all the cultures everywhere around the world.
Man
Fellas, fellas, fellas, get in here. Fellas, I'm working on--
Woman 1
Yeah, yeah, yeah, what's up? Yeah.
Man
I wanted to get the group back together for a Christmas song. And I was just thinking this one would be just "Five Golden Rings."
Man
Jettison the other verses.
Man
We hit five golden rings hard, right? We circle back. You could do some scatting.
Woman 1
Oh, my god. Well, I'm in! If you're going to finally let me do it, then doopity dop dop, yeah!
Man
I just think we all need to accept the truth, which is that nobody likes the other verses.
Woman 2
I don't no, Jord. I feel like a lot of people are going to miss, like, calling birds.
Woman 1
Yeah, or at least the nine ladies dancing. [SCATTING]
Woman
I want to feed the geese.
Man
OK, we can do that. I just want to-- I just want to make sure you know they're an extremely vicious animal.
Comedian
[HONKING LIKE A GOOSE]
Woman
Dad, I've seen geese before. They're, like, really cute, and--
Man
OK. You know I'm a big believer in letting you learn your lessons.
Woman
You always say that before, like, something really bad happens.
Man
I mean, I just tried to warn you. They can be a really aggressive animal.
Man
Go for broke, just remember what I told you.
Woman
All right, come here, little goosey.
Goose
Whoa, you are really beautiful.
Goose
I'm sorry. I don't usually say that. But you are really gorgeous.
Goose
I mean, you're the kind of person that a goose would give up his whole life for. I mean, I could take you places. I'm going way too fast. I'm sorry. But you-- you're turning me around. [HONK] [GOOSE NOISES]
Man
Yeah, like I told you-- super aggressive.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Man
Did you guys have this as a kid, where the joy of Christmas, when I look back on it, I think has a lot to do with no school.
Man
Just this idea of "Wait, there's a week where there's no school?"
Woman 2
It's so different when you don't celebrate Christmas. Because for you, it's two weeks where you don't see your friends, because they are all going somewhere cool and having fun.
Woman 1
But Jews also get the school break, too, right? It's not like you still have to go to school.
Woman 2
But we love school!
Man
Children, gather around. We have a class-wide announcement.
Woman 2
This is never good.
Man
Scene!
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Woman
I was just going to tell a quick story.
Woman
Great. Well, I feel like we keep talking about, like, especially people who were always experiencing a Jewish Christmas experience. But I was the exact opposite, where until I was 13 years old, I did not know Jewish people existed maybe. And I loved Christmas so much that I would get up at 3:00 in the morning to try and look at my presents.
And I just always felt like such simple things would give me such overwhelming joy that I wish I could have that now. Like, one Christmas morning I was in my little Christmas gown, and I crept down, and there was a giant stuffed animal Saint Bernard, which is not like a bike that you can ride or something that you can do. It's just going to sit there, and you're going to look at it and love it. And as soon as I saw it, I was so happy I could not believe my eyes. I fell to my knees and I [BLEEP] my pants.
I just-- like upon the sight of this Saint Bernard, I just was like, thank you! And I fell to my knees and just blasted right into my pants. So I had to creep into my parents' room and say, like, "Good morning, Mom. Merry Christmas. I've soiled myself, and I need your help."
Ira Glass
Can I ask the other improv stars on stage, like, did you have moments like that, of such incredible joy at Christmas? Not that would take your body to that length, but do you know what I mean? Like moments of just pure, pure joy in that way that I think we rarely have as adults. Do you have--
Man
When I was a kid, my sister and I would get up really early and stand at the top of the stairs, because we knew we weren't allowed to go downstairs. And my dad had this tradition. We would have to wait for him to-- we would just shake with anticipation at the top of the stairs, and wait and wait, and bother them, my parents, to get out of bed. And we'd pull them out of bed. And they would take their sweet time putting on their clothes and getting their shaving, just to torture us, because they knew we were at the top of the stairs.
And my dad would go downstairs first and say, "Let's see if Santa came." Like, he'd look around the hallway and say, "I don't see any evidence that he's been here." And then he'd walk into the dining room, and he would disappear. And we'd hear him go, "Well, mm, no, nothing in here."
And we're up there, going like, "It's the dining room. There's nothing in the dining room!" Goes into this kind of side little sitting room and same thing. He disappears. He does the same shtick of "No, nothing in here." And then he'd say-- inevitably, he'd say, "I don't know if he came."
The first couple years, we were really nervous that maybe Santa did not come. But then after three or four years of this, we were like, "Of course he came. Everything's in the-- go to the family room! Go to the family-- were the tree is, where the fireplace is. Santa's not going to come down and then cart everything into the dining room."
Girl
Dad, you idiot! Go to the family room!
Boy
Family room! Family room! Go to the-- [GROAN]
Girl
Oh, my god! Dad, I will kill you! Please let us down the stairs!
Dad
Maybe I'll go look up in the attic.
Boy
What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you? It's not going to be in the attic.
Mom
Oh, guys. Your dad's having fun. Come on.
Boy
Point your stupid freshly-shaven face towards the family room.
Man
I want to talk to you guys about your dad.
Man
He doesn't know where the presents are.
Mom
That is true. We've been saying he was having fun, but holy hell.
Woman
Scene!
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Santa
Ho, ho, ho, come in here, elves.
Elf 1
OK, Mr. Santy Claus.
Santa
Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas.
Santa
I know you want to tell you something I've never told you about Christmas.
Elf 1
Santa, we've been working for you for 472 years. You're going to have to dig deep in that bag.
Santa
Well, I've told you that it's a magical time of year.
Santa
I've told you we give presents to millions of children in the world.
Elf 2
We know. We make all that stuff.
Santa
But I haven't told you Rudolph has cancer. The red nose is--
Elf 1
Why didn't we get him treated? He's had that red nose for so long.
Santa
For years, we just thought it was adorable.
Elf 1
I feel so bad we used to laugh and call him names.
Man 1
I have a question. I wonder what you guys think of this. And I think this makes me sound like a bad person. Do you feel like Christmas loses a lot of the joy when you hit an age where you have to start buying presents for other people?
Man 2
I have not hit that age.
Man 1
I feel like it takes-- it's like a fun magic thing, and then when you actually have to give back to other people, it becomes such a drag. Such a drag.
Woman
Your parents didn't make you give presents to your siblings?
Man 1
To my sibling? Yeah, I had one brother. Our elementary school rent-- did you guys have this? Our elementary school had a thing that was just bad presents. It's like, you'd go into the gym and be like, oh, you can buy your dad a little screwdriver set, or you can buy your mom a plastic ring. It was all the same stuff. So every year, my brother was just an interchangeable-- like, "I got you the neon flyswatter." "Great, I got you the slap bracelet." You know? And our mom would give us the money anyway.
Man 2
This might sound cynical. My wife and I, we don't give each other Christmas presents, because neither of us believe in holidays.
Woman
You don't believe in them?
Man 2
Well, they're out there.
Man 1
Every 4th of July, do you think a war is breaking out?
Man 2
No, to Chris's point, neither of us like the pressure of having to get a gift. And we just don't like them. So we're just like, "No, we don't want that in our relationship."
Man 3
Well, I'm the opposite. When I grew up, I remember the first presents I bought. And it's still essentially true of me now, is that I'm really excited for people to open the present I found or made for them. And watching them open other people's presents makes me angry. And I just am waiting for them to get to my present.
Man 2
I'm going to walk you back on that one. Are you making a lot of presents?
Man 3
What is unusual about that?
Man 1
You're a really good person.
Mom
You know what? Greg, now is not a good time.
Mom
Sorry. Sweet-- Mom's friend, Greg, he might want a paper puppet to play with, too.
Greg
Yeah. Yeah, Greg might want a paper puppet.
Boy
I only made one paper puppet.
Mom
Well, you know what? That's great, honey, because Greg and Mommy are going to share, because sharing is caring.
Boy
Yeah. (SINGING) Sharing is caring.
Boy
I want you to share the paper puppet.
Greg
Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, thank you for that. That's nice.
Mom
Greg, you please put on a robe?
Mom
OK, sweetie, now remember, we said when Greg's over, we're going to knock on the door and we're not going to come in at 3:00. I love my paper puppet. I love my paper puppet, but it's time to go back to bed, OK, sweetie?
Boy
Can I get in bed with you guys?
Mom
Not a good time, baby. Not a good time.
Greg
And I want to be honest.
Mom
No, maybe not. Not a good time.
Woman
Wait, so probably not use able, but for my own sake, there's two things that we went past that I want to hear. And one is what Greg was going to say when he said, "Can I be honest with you?"
Man
Greg was going to say, "I'm going to be honest. I didn't get you anything. But your present will be a father figure, if you play your cards right."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Aidy Bryant
You know what? There was no, like, religious factor in my Christmas experience. But it was all about like creating your own magic, I feel like. Like, we had this family tradition where Christmas Eve, everyone had to do one trick, which could be of any sort. And then if you did your trick, you got to open one present before you went to bed.
Man
And now you're a professional performer.
Aidy Bryant
I know. But you know what? Like, all the tricks-- I mean, it was all kinds of things. Like I remember one year, my aunt and uncle timed like a nostril flashlight dance to dueling banjos. And like--
Jeff
Welcome to the Bryant Family Talent Show. Does anyone want to start?
Woman
I think, Jeff, we've got a real great lineup.
Jeff
Oh, we got a great lineup.
Woman
We're really excited.
Jeff
Great. Big, big, big, big lineup this year.
Woman
But I have to say I've been hearing whisperings from Samantha that she's got a real great talent coming up.
Samantha
It's not ready. It's not ready.
Woman
OK, sweetie. It's OK. It's OK, sweetie.
Jeff
All right, we'll just do some banter. We'll do some banter.
Woman
Or we could ask Michael if he's ready.
Michael
Yeah, I'm ready. I've been ready for this all year. I've been waiting for this opportunity all year.
Woman
Michael, I'm going to remind you of the ages of everybody in the family.
Michael
Yeah, I'll remind you of my age. I'm 16, and I'm finally seeing the world for what it is, man. I'm finally seeing the world what it is. I'm 16, man.
Jeff
Calm down. Calm down.
Michael
I'm calm. Who's-- I'm calm. I'm calm!
Michael
That's just how my hands are comfy.
Michael
This is how my hands are comfortable.
Jeff
Are those brass knuckles?
Michael
No, not if you don't hit anybody with them.
Jeff
Michael, put those away.
Michael
They're just interconnected rings.
Boy
Can I have them? Can I have them?
Michael
Yeah, take them. Do whatever you want with them.
Boy
Cool. (SINGING) Five golden rings.
Michael
Give them back. Give them back. Anything but that. Anything but that.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Mike Birbiglia
I think one of the things that's really evocative about Christmas and childhood is actually fire. Like, we used to make fires.
Mike Birbiglia
In the fireplace, where one makes fire.
Sasheer Zamata
You said "we" like every-- like it's a common experience.
Man
Like collectively we all associate Christmas with fire.
Aidy Bryant
I agree with Mike, where we always had like a big, beautiful fireplace where we would kind of gather around. But my parents remodeled their house when I was probably 11 a little bit. And they redid the fireplace, and it was like all these river rocks. Gorgeous, I know.
But they were, like, fake, you know? I mean, you couldn't tell that if you went, except for there's still to this day one at the very top that's deflated. It's like this deflated river rock. And so in all our Christmas pictures, it's all of us seated in front of the fireplace, and hanging above us is this weird, indented, sort of like light gray river rock.
Tami Sagher
Um, what's a river rock?
Aidy Bryant
Oh, I'm sorry. I was born and raised in the desert. So we're always searching for rivers. No, it's just-- they're like rounded rocks.
Tami Sagher
So they couldn't get real ones? They had to get fake ones?
Aidy Bryant
Whoa, burn. Taking my family to task.
Sasheer Zamata
Also, is it full of air? Like, why is it deflated?
Aidy Bryant
Look, I didn't build it. I just-- I frickin' lived it.
Mom
Aidy, can you come here for a sec, sweetie?
Mom
Loved hearing you on the radio.
Mom
I have to say, your dad and I got real sad though with what story you had to tell.
Aidy
Um, I guess I-- I don't know. They chose that one. I did a ton of other nice stories.
Mom
Did you talk about what happened when we gave you a four-foot St. Bernard stuffed toy?
I'm going to stop this scene.
Dad
Really, why? Why, you don't want to hear our opinions on how your hip, tight-pants friends don't like our rocks? Your hip friends with the tight pants?
Mom
They act like they don't know what a rock is.
Dad
They act they like they don't know what a rock is. Oh, because you say "river," you don't know it's just a rock.
Man
Hey, I heard your daughter on the radio.
Man
We're avid-- Teresa and I are avid listeners to the public radio station here in Arizona. And it was very disappointing to hear that your family is an embarrassing family.
Man
I will say the thing that was particularly special about Christmas-- because when I try to analyze what it is that made me experience this absolute euphoria in these two days is that my dad was there. My dad's a doctor, you know, which is wonderful. You know, he's a great doctor.
But there would be no two days in the year for sure when I would know that he would be around for those two days. And it was like-- there was something where there was this joy of the full family that I'll never forget.
Man
Kids, kids, line up. Daddy's going to be here today. He's going to be here today.
Boy
Promise? You promise? There's nothing that could stop that, right?
Man
No, he's coming. Today is the day. He wrote us. He told us. He phoned. Everything's all set.
Girl
Oh, man. I'm going to get love from him. I'm going to get advice from him. I'm going to get a spanking from them, because I've been bad.
Girl 2
I have so many questions to ask him that will shape how I view men.
Boy
I'm just going to quietly observe him and then mimic him subtly forever.
Ira Glass
Kids. Tammy, Aidy, what's your name? Sasheer? Something with an S.
Man
It's Samantha. I'm your wife.
Boy
Dad, Dad, look at my awards!
Girl 1
Dad, spank me! I stole two years ago!
Ira Glass
I just don't see why we have to go crazy like this. I don't see why we all have to go so crazy.
Girl 2
Because we miss you!
Girl 2
Dad, if I got all As, would you be around more? I've been throwing up, Dad.
Man
Don't they look good, though? Don't they look good? They look all clean, and they're posture is very good. Just like you like it. Just like you like it.
Boy
Dad, I appreciate that you work for Federal Express and that you guys will deliver packages 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year.
Girl 2
Plus you were on that island for a couple of years.
Boy
But you're just never around for us! We just want to hug you for an hour.
Man
Oh, my god. Don't say that out loud. Don't--
Ira Glass
I just think that-- you just need to understand that I love you all, but I'm just very busy, just very, very busy--
Man
Oh, let them hug you, please.
Girl 1
No, it's OK, Mom. Dad's too busy for a hug.
Man
Thomas, look at their faces.
Girl 2
It's OK, Mom. I don't deserve to be touched.
Girl 3
Sometimes I just send an empty package, hoping that you'll bring it back.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Boy
Dad, I just want you to know I can sense the emotional distance you're keeping. And someday I plan on replicating and furthering it.
Ira Glass
All right. I'll see you all next year.
Boy
You know what I just noticed, Dad? It's like you're inverse Santa Claus. Like, Santa Claus brings kids packages one day a year, and then you never see him again. And we only see you today, and then you bring people packages every other day.
Man
And we watch as the dad gets into his FedEx truck, and he drives off into the distance. And the kids notice that the FedEx truck flies into the air!
[KIDS OOHING]
Ira Glass
Our Christmas improvisers, in alphabetical order-- Scott Adsit, Mike Birbiglia, Aidy Bryant, Chris Gethard, Tami Sagher, and Sasheer Zamata.
Coming up, normally responsible adults doing stuff that is wrong, just wrong, for Christmas. That's in a minute from Chicago Public Radio, when our program continues.