Hunter Biden surprised Republican investigators Tuesday by offering to cooperate with the House's impeachment inquiry and testify publicly about foreign business deals he was involved in while his father, President Joe Biden, was vice president. Many GOP officials recoiled at this idea, so I have prepared a sensible statement they can release explaining why hearing from the man they've been itching to hear from is actually a terrible idea:

As a staunch Republican and full-throated supporter of the effort to impeach President Joe Biden for various undetermined things, I implore House Republicans to not allow the president’s son, Hunter Biden, to publicly testify.

While we have been calling on the younger Biden to testify for months, we did not expect he would agree to do so, much less request that his testimony be made in an open hearing.

Having him speak under oath in front of reporters and television cameras would make it difficult for us to say what he said in a way to conform with our belief that he is an archcriminal who, in cahoots with his no-good father, engaged in a global criminal conspiracy.

If Hunter Biden testifies publicly, it could damage GOP narrative

We believe deeply in transparency, but not the kind of transparency that could allow people to see things. Under the direction of Rep. James Comer, chairman of the House Oversight and Accountability Committee, we have worked hard on our narrative and gone to great lengths to sidestep irritating left-wing speed bumps like “facts” and “evidence.” The last thing we, as a party, should accept right now is an effort by Hunter Biden to directly answer questions and defend himself.

That could result in a dangerous truth leak, and nobody wants to see that happen.

Hunter Biden:I fought to get sober. Political weaponization of my addiction hurts more than me.

Which part of 'misinformation' does Hunter Biden not understand?

Biden’s attorney Abbe Lowell, in making the request for public testimony Tuesday, wrote to Comer: “We have seen you use closed door sessions to manipulate, even distort the facts and misinform the public. We therefore propose opening the door.”

PROPOSAL DENIED! Does Lowell have any idea how hard it is to manipulate and distort facts when you let the person you’re trying to impugn share actual information that might undermine your misinformation?

It has not been easy to convince Americans that President Biden was nefariously involved with his son’s overseas business dealings, largely due to the complete absence of evidence supporting such a claim.

To the credit of Comer and many House Republicans, innuendo has proved an effective tool. But we can’t rely on that and then just let the central figure in a case we’re trying to manifest into reality come out and say stuff under oath and in public.

Biden conspiracy theories are endless:Hunter Biden and the dark truth behind his father's presidential turkey pardons

Republicans must keep Hunter Biden testimony private so it can be properly spun

Comer responded to the request appropriately, saying he expects Hunter Biden to give a closed-door deposition on Dec. 13 and then “testify in a public setting at a future date.”

That, sensibly, will allow us Republicans a chance to grill Biden and then go on Fox News and brag about all the explosive things we’ll say he said, cementing the anti-Biden narrative. We’ll then probably decide not to have any public testimony.

You know – justice.

Truth in today's GOP is whatever the GOP says it is

The bottom line is this: Nice try, Hunter Biden. We have spent months upon months adamantly demanding you testify about the thing we claim you’ve done. Agreeing to testify out in the open for all Americans to see is a clever ruse.

But if you think we’re going to let anything damage the barely believable narrative we’ve stitched together from random allegations and assorted conspiracy theories, you don’t know today’s Republican Party.

We want the truth, and the only real truth comes from our mouths, not yours.

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on X, formerly Twitter, @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk